I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
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[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*