Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.