even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I hate my earbuds.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.