My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him