have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.