In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4