*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?