[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit