My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”