I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
You Might Also Like
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I can fix him.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?