I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
podcasts
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.