If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Mhm.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Hey Fugeddaboutit
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me in tagged photos
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.