When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
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Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.