i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*me flirting
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.