I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Yup.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart