i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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If only
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
not to brag, but mine was free
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Watson was Holmes schooled
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
the council will decide your fate
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.