Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor