Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
the clam before the storm
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.