ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
for all #parents out there
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?