this isn’t threatening at all
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Catering service
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!