*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee