Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.