A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
This could be us but you eatin’
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
this could fix me
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.