11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.