My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car