[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.