Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf