Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
You Might Also Like
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me