May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
You Might Also Like
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
reviewed some movies recently
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?