Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
🙋♀️
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go