Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
You Might Also Like
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.