I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy