When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.