teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Covid like
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
6: are snakes just neck?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Expect the unexporcupine.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation