Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight