Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
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So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?