Florida man
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”