aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy