GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
You Might Also Like
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.