Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
bugs when you lift up a rock
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song