A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
😂🤣😂🤣
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?