Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school