To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
S/o to @funTweeters .
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast