I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.