Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
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So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Labreador
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Am I having a stroke?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
had to share :’)
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.