[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
A Short Story.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”