My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.