Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits