Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad