Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Bless you
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?